A Small Warning

While Simon and I are doing this to keep our friends/family/acquaintences in the know and so that we can remember the experience - we know that a great many people forget the insane emotions that go through them at a time like this. They remember joy, nervousness and excitement but tend to forget things like annoyance, anger and exhaustion. This is also a little bit of an experiment for us as well as (hopefully) a bit of reality for someone else out there who wants a bit of a real play-by-play of the emotional rollercoaster of childbirth and parenting. ...granted, I know that my experience is only one...but hey...still worth trying.

That said, not all of this blog is going to be happy and shiny. There will be some real, raw emotions here and we're going to express them pretty openly. We hope that this doesn't make anyone feel as if we're in any way unhappy about the birth of our son or that we're somehow not excited or don't love him. For us, this is the reality of things that people don't really talk about or express. I think that is extremely important to remember.

We may use foul language. ...you're warned.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Depression.

My obstetrician doesn't think that I have post natal depression.

My previous GP doesn't think that I seem "that bad".

My new GP says I don't look depressed.

...so if I don't have post natal depression, what's wrong with me? If I'm even a little late with my antidepressants, I go totally psycho. I get mean - cruel...even to Xander. I'll tell him that I hate him, that he's ugly and stupid...that I wish he'd disappear or die. When I feel fine again, I hate myself for the things I say to him. I hate myself at the time, but I hate everyone else even more.

I'm at a loss for what to do. Even right now, I've taken my medications and I feel like my skin is on fire, like I'm going to jump right out of it. I also feel like everything is horrible. ...I've made an appointment with my therapist but the earliest she can see me is in 2 weeks. A lot can happen in 2 weeks. ...so what am I to do?
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