Xander is one month old today.
He is holding his head up even more than when he was born, hasn't lost that mop of hair, he's more interested in looking at things around him and responds even more to me. He's alert and curious and starting to squeal and coo, it's adorable.
On a completely different note...
I'm very worried. Since he was born I'd had increased anxiety, that was never a question. ..however, in the last two weeks, that anxiety has turned into some serious, SERIOUS depression. With very little warning, I will quite suddenly become deeply depressed. I will hate myself, I will hate Xander and I will close myself off from everyone. While this CAN frequently happen if I've missed a dose of my antidepressant, much of the time it doesn't matter in the least.
Here is a GOOD night...
Last night I had taken both of my antidepressants. I was golden - I was sure that I wouldn't have any problems with depression or anger. I'd be fine. Simon was off at his sleep study and my mother-in-law was in bed. It was about 10pm and I was feeling good.
Around midnight, Xander has been asleep (but periodically quietly fussy) for the last two hours. He is not being troublesome in any way. I am starting to get really irritated with him and anxious that he will do something - anything and that I won't like it. I feel like my skin is on fire and I'm about to burst out of it. I feel agitated and angry for no reason.
Around 1:30am, Xander is now sound asleep and not making a peep (I have been dreaming of this for a week or two, btw). I am now inches from enraged. I'm sitting there thinking angrily at Xander, "You'd better not make any noise, you'd better not make any noise." At the same time I'm having that constant fight or flight blind panic of anxiety attacks. It doesn't help that I'm itchy from my psoriasis (all over), I'm overheated, I have a headache and a crick in my neck. Discomfort seems to exacerbate all bad feelings.
Around 2am I get desperate and take a third antidepressant (I am supposed to take two a day but my doctor has told me that I am on a rather low dose right now). I also do what I can to ease my discomforts so that everything else doesn't feel so bad. I start trying to think of things that will improve my mood.
2:30am - Two things occur to me. Firstly I appear to be most afraid of him fussing and me getting up and tending to him - no idea why - this should not be something to fear. I decide that since he'll be hungry soon, I'll wake him up and feed him before he has a chance to wake up screaming for food. I feed him and then put him in a position I know he likes, the makeshift Moby wrap that my mother-in-law made me in newborn hug hold. The second thing that occurs to me is that I should try smelling him. No joke, smelling him. I know that I find inhaling his scent incredibly calming (I assume because of pheromones) and so give it a shot to see if it calms me down and makes me feel less depressed or angry. It works to a point, calming me enough for me to think clearly.
3am - I finally curl up with him in the reclining glider rocker and manage to get an hour or so of sleep while he sleeps against my chest. It is far better than nothing. The rest of the night until around 8am is spent in this fashion rather successfully.
We knew that postnatal depression was a near certainty...and I am getting help. My psychologist is informed and when I see my obstetrician next Wednesday, my antidepressants will be changed.
People offer me help - offer to take a shift, to take the kid off my hands for a while and it's all very well and good - the problem is that I go from zero to fucking furious sometimes in ten seconds. There's very seldom warning and even when there is, there's certainly not enough to get someone to my house to help.
Right now it's not a problem because my mother-in-law is here and if anything gets too insane, I can just pass him off to her. Simon hasn't gone back to work yet (because of this depression) and I can also pass Xander off to him.
...what do I do when Simon is back at work on Tuesday? What do I do when my mother-in-law goes back home on the 4th?
It really scares me.
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