A Small Warning

While Simon and I are doing this to keep our friends/family/acquaintences in the know and so that we can remember the experience - we know that a great many people forget the insane emotions that go through them at a time like this. They remember joy, nervousness and excitement but tend to forget things like annoyance, anger and exhaustion. This is also a little bit of an experiment for us as well as (hopefully) a bit of reality for someone else out there who wants a bit of a real play-by-play of the emotional rollercoaster of childbirth and parenting. ...granted, I know that my experience is only one...but hey...still worth trying.

That said, not all of this blog is going to be happy and shiny. There will be some real, raw emotions here and we're going to express them pretty openly. We hope that this doesn't make anyone feel as if we're in any way unhappy about the birth of our son or that we're somehow not excited or don't love him. For us, this is the reality of things that people don't really talk about or express. I think that is extremely important to remember.

We may use foul language. ...you're warned.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Up All Night

I'm tired. I'm so bloody tired, I'm just going to repost something from MSN rather than explain again how I feel about it. I just can't process that much thought right now.

(12:19:12 AM) Sandra:
I'm knackered and trying to figure out how I'm going to stay up all night with Xander. :/
(12:19:20 AM) Faerie grrl:
Simon gone back to work yet?
(12:19:32 AM) Sandra:
He goes back to work Thursday.
(12:19:41 AM) Faerie grrl:
So pass him off tonight & get some sleep....
(12:19:57 AM) Faerie grrl:
Tell Simon to stay up - to take watch... so you can properly rest...
00:20
(12:22:01 AM) Sandra:
He won't. He says he needs to get his sleep patterns properly on track in preparation for work on Thursday...which is true...
(12:22:58 AM) Sandra:
Which really scares me - because I can't do this EVERY night. The only reason I can do it now is because in the morning - at 8am or 10am, Simon takes over and I get to sleep. When he goes back to work, I'm going to be up all night and then there will be no one to take the next shift. Just THINKING about that makes me feel like crying.

Xander's colic is definitely improving. He sleeps long periods of time and doesn't fuss. ...however, this is during the day. At night ....between about 1am and 7am... for whatever reason...he becomes gassy and fussy and won't sleep for more than 20 minutes at a time. That is my time up with him. The last 2 nights I've stayed up with him when he's fussy and have found myself fairly exhausted in the morning. I'm sure we'll find a way to deal with it, and I'll figure out something - but right now I just feel like everything is hopeless. Right now I'm scared for my sanity, for my mood, for Xander and for my own wellbeing. I'm being run so ragged, I'm starting to hurt all over - I'm hating everyone - I'm having a hard time finding the energy to eat properly and to take care of myself and I'm becoming depressed even with my medications. I can't keep this up for much longer.
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