Okay so...part of this being real is posting about things that might not necessarily be comfortable - either for people reading them - or for me. I've been avoiding posting anything in this blog for several days because I've either been too afraid, too ashamed, too embarrassed or too depressed to talk about what's been happening with all of us - so I've been quiet.
The first two days were, in many ways, the hardest. We could never get him to sleep and couldn't figure out why. He never wanted to settle and we hadn't developed the tools necessary to discover his needs. Over time, we're slowly starting to learn what he wants when he cries. We're learning which signals mean he's hungry and which are simply an uncomfortable, gassy baby fussing about.
The biggest challenges we've faced are related to my moods and to feeding. Feeding has been difficult at best and next to impossible at worst - at least breastfeeding.
With Xander's birth, I did great. I told myself that I was okay with any turn of events and that I had no set plan. I was determined not to make myself feel like a failure no matter what. No rigid plans meant no disappointment when things didn't go my way.
I thought that I was the same way about breastfeeding. I told myself that I would try it but that if I couldn't manage to breastfeed effectively, I would make the switch to expressing or formula and not feel bad about my choice. Keeping in that mindset about labour was easy. With breastfeeding it has been next to impossible.
I'm not sure if it's because labour was a mere 36 hours or so (most of which I was drugged to the gills) and breastfeeding spans over days and weeks. I'm not sure if it's because I really, honestly didn't believe that I would have any problems breastfeeding. I am sure that part of it...is that I feel constantly watched and judged over it.
It has nothing at all to do with supply - that I've got. It's all about ignorance. I can't get the kid to attach and when I can, I can't get him to stay attached. I can't get him into a comfortable position either for myself or for him and when I can, I can't get him to stay awake long enough to get a decent feed. More feeds have ended in me curling up and sobbing hysterically than with me feeling satisfied with the situation. So I made the confident decision to top him up with formula (or to provide full formula/expressed breastmilk feeds when I've been completely unable to feed him directly). I felt good about that decision. ...then the first midwife looked at me disdainfully, asked me what I wanted to do - said in that tone that if all I was going to do was feed him with formula, they wouldn't bother teaching me how to breastfeed. I felt crushed, I felt judged and I felt attacked.
I persevered with breastfeeding and ran into the same brick wall again and again. My mood just deteriorated further and I again made the confident decision to top him up with formula - telling myself that I would be a better parent if I weren't under so much stress. Another midwife looked down on me and again I was backed into a corner.
This has happened again and again over the last 11 days. In just 11 days I've gone through this cycle at least 5 times with different people, all looking down their nose at me and making me feel as though my decision to supplement with formula made me a failure or made me a bad mother. The result is that I've become harried, depressed and I've started to actually shy away from my baby himself. I feel completely inadequate most of the time. Ill equipped to be anyone's mother.
At the advice of Trish, I've decided to see a lactation consultant (if I can ever get her to call me back) and have been leaving my therapist a scary number of voicemails attempting to make an appointment with her as soon as possible.
Today Simon went to the grocery store, leaving me alone with the baby. I was scared shitless to be alone with my own baby. What if he cried and I couldn't figure out what was wrong? What if he cried for hours? What if I again "failed" to feed him? What if I ended up curled up while he screamed, cryig myself and unable to handle it?
Why do I feel as though this is a strange fear?
I've read a lot of books during my pregnancy, many of which end up totally useless, by ther way, when you are sleep deprived and your baby is screaming. It doesn't matter how many books told you that swaddling is comforting for the majority of unsettled babies, when you're sleep deprived, you can't remember a damned thing - you're just on the verge of tearing your hair out and screaming at the little bastard to shut up.
That's right, little bastard - another normal feeling - anger at your baby. It'll make you hate yourself, but even the most level headed parents will get furious with their own baby simply for being indecipherable in its demands. Baby screams, parents are lost as to the cause and the sheer annoyance of the screams combined with frustration at your own helplessness will make you angry at, and maybe even make you momentarily hate your baby.
And you will feel like a monster afterward. Move on. Just don't dwell on it. Try to do better next time.
Fussy baby...more later.
I remember that. Though it was different for me, being the father, and Anastasia not really wanting me made it hard to help.
ReplyDeleteI think with midwives the thing to remember is that ten years ago, they'd look down their noses at a mother who insisted on breast feeding instead of formula. And twenty or thirty years ago they'd wordlessly remove a baby from an unmarried mother and send it off to an orphanage. They know heaps about the mechanics of childbirth but they don't know shit about you and Simon. You're well within your rights to crack the shits at the next one who questions your decision.
As far as deciphering baby screeches goes... well you do start to figure it out - Mel was much better at it than i was. I was so relieved when she started speaking! But we just got into a routine of checking everything. Bum, burp, boob, etc.
Being scared of your own kid is totally normal! I was terrified of holding Anastasia for a long time, and i still just about pack my dacks sometimes when i realise that i'm a Father, and i'm responsible for a small part of the future of the entire species. I mean OMFG.
I hope things improve for you guys. And i hope Simon can help, too. He's just as bewildered as you, and for me not being able to help feed was a bit hard. That is one advantage of formula - boobs are optional. But breastmilk is designed for the baby specifically, so it has its own merits.
Good luck, and if you need help you know how to contact Mel or i.
Ben (Thalass durr)