Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning and there's no one I can talk to. I mean, there are people I could talk to but no one who wants to hear anything I have to say. ...and I get that. After a while, hearing about someone's problems becomes tedious. ...unfortunately, it leaves me with a powerful urge to scream at the top of my lungs just to get the tension out - because I've got no other way.
I don't feel a bond with Xander. I don't feel like he's mine, I don't feel love for him most of the time and he annoys me most of the time. I know that bonding takes time...especially when you were separated for a time after birth, but sometimes i just feel like I'm drowning.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Depression.
My obstetrician doesn't think that I have post natal depression.
My previous GP doesn't think that I seem "that bad".
My new GP says I don't look depressed.
...so if I don't have post natal depression, what's wrong with me? If I'm even a little late with my antidepressants, I go totally psycho. I get mean - cruel...even to Xander. I'll tell him that I hate him, that he's ugly and stupid...that I wish he'd disappear or die. When I feel fine again, I hate myself for the things I say to him. I hate myself at the time, but I hate everyone else even more.
I'm at a loss for what to do. Even right now, I've taken my medications and I feel like my skin is on fire, like I'm going to jump right out of it. I also feel like everything is horrible. ...I've made an appointment with my therapist but the earliest she can see me is in 2 weeks. A lot can happen in 2 weeks. ...so what am I to do?
My previous GP doesn't think that I seem "that bad".
My new GP says I don't look depressed.
...so if I don't have post natal depression, what's wrong with me? If I'm even a little late with my antidepressants, I go totally psycho. I get mean - cruel...even to Xander. I'll tell him that I hate him, that he's ugly and stupid...that I wish he'd disappear or die. When I feel fine again, I hate myself for the things I say to him. I hate myself at the time, but I hate everyone else even more.
I'm at a loss for what to do. Even right now, I've taken my medications and I feel like my skin is on fire, like I'm going to jump right out of it. I also feel like everything is horrible. ...I've made an appointment with my therapist but the earliest she can see me is in 2 weeks. A lot can happen in 2 weeks. ...so what am I to do?
Monday, October 11, 2010
I just got poo-ed on
While changing a nappy. Apparently this is the most amusing thing my wife has seen all day.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Taco Bell
While I was pregnant, I had constant cravings for Taco Bell. ...and it was bad. I probably would have done just about anything for a Crunchwrap. Why? ...who the Hell knows. Pregnancy cravings are funny that way.
(this is not a joke)
Most nights, I would dream about Taco Bell. In every dream, I'd get in my car and get ready to go to Taco Bell. I'd be all excited because I was finally getting to have it. Every night, I would wake up right before getting my food. This pissed me off.
I thought it would end when I had the kid...and it did...but not without a final goodbye.
One night...right after having Xander, I had a dream about Taco Bell. I was getting in my car to go to Taco Bell. In my dream I said to myself, "No more dreams about having Taco Bell! Now that I've had the kid, I get to have it for real and satisfy that craving!"...only to wake up again without Taco Bell. That's some cruel shit right there....
(this is not a joke)
Most nights, I would dream about Taco Bell. In every dream, I'd get in my car and get ready to go to Taco Bell. I'd be all excited because I was finally getting to have it. Every night, I would wake up right before getting my food. This pissed me off.
I thought it would end when I had the kid...and it did...but not without a final goodbye.
One night...right after having Xander, I had a dream about Taco Bell. I was getting in my car to go to Taco Bell. In my dream I said to myself, "No more dreams about having Taco Bell! Now that I've had the kid, I get to have it for real and satisfy that craving!"...only to wake up again without Taco Bell. That's some cruel shit right there....
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Concerns and milestones
Xander is one month old today.
He is holding his head up even more than when he was born, hasn't lost that mop of hair, he's more interested in looking at things around him and responds even more to me. He's alert and curious and starting to squeal and coo, it's adorable.
On a completely different note...
I'm very worried. Since he was born I'd had increased anxiety, that was never a question. ..however, in the last two weeks, that anxiety has turned into some serious, SERIOUS depression. With very little warning, I will quite suddenly become deeply depressed. I will hate myself, I will hate Xander and I will close myself off from everyone. While this CAN frequently happen if I've missed a dose of my antidepressant, much of the time it doesn't matter in the least.
Here is a GOOD night...
Last night I had taken both of my antidepressants. I was golden - I was sure that I wouldn't have any problems with depression or anger. I'd be fine. Simon was off at his sleep study and my mother-in-law was in bed. It was about 10pm and I was feeling good.
Around midnight, Xander has been asleep (but periodically quietly fussy) for the last two hours. He is not being troublesome in any way. I am starting to get really irritated with him and anxious that he will do something - anything and that I won't like it. I feel like my skin is on fire and I'm about to burst out of it. I feel agitated and angry for no reason.
Around 1:30am, Xander is now sound asleep and not making a peep (I have been dreaming of this for a week or two, btw). I am now inches from enraged. I'm sitting there thinking angrily at Xander, "You'd better not make any noise, you'd better not make any noise." At the same time I'm having that constant fight or flight blind panic of anxiety attacks. It doesn't help that I'm itchy from my psoriasis (all over), I'm overheated, I have a headache and a crick in my neck. Discomfort seems to exacerbate all bad feelings.
Around 2am I get desperate and take a third antidepressant (I am supposed to take two a day but my doctor has told me that I am on a rather low dose right now). I also do what I can to ease my discomforts so that everything else doesn't feel so bad. I start trying to think of things that will improve my mood.
2:30am - Two things occur to me. Firstly I appear to be most afraid of him fussing and me getting up and tending to him - no idea why - this should not be something to fear. I decide that since he'll be hungry soon, I'll wake him up and feed him before he has a chance to wake up screaming for food. I feed him and then put him in a position I know he likes, the makeshift Moby wrap that my mother-in-law made me in newborn hug hold. The second thing that occurs to me is that I should try smelling him. No joke, smelling him. I know that I find inhaling his scent incredibly calming (I assume because of pheromones) and so give it a shot to see if it calms me down and makes me feel less depressed or angry. It works to a point, calming me enough for me to think clearly.
3am - I finally curl up with him in the reclining glider rocker and manage to get an hour or so of sleep while he sleeps against my chest. It is far better than nothing. The rest of the night until around 8am is spent in this fashion rather successfully.
We knew that postnatal depression was a near certainty...and I am getting help. My psychologist is informed and when I see my obstetrician next Wednesday, my antidepressants will be changed.
People offer me help - offer to take a shift, to take the kid off my hands for a while and it's all very well and good - the problem is that I go from zero to fucking furious sometimes in ten seconds. There's very seldom warning and even when there is, there's certainly not enough to get someone to my house to help.
Right now it's not a problem because my mother-in-law is here and if anything gets too insane, I can just pass him off to her. Simon hasn't gone back to work yet (because of this depression) and I can also pass Xander off to him.
...what do I do when Simon is back at work on Tuesday? What do I do when my mother-in-law goes back home on the 4th?
It really scares me.
He is holding his head up even more than when he was born, hasn't lost that mop of hair, he's more interested in looking at things around him and responds even more to me. He's alert and curious and starting to squeal and coo, it's adorable.
On a completely different note...
I'm very worried. Since he was born I'd had increased anxiety, that was never a question. ..however, in the last two weeks, that anxiety has turned into some serious, SERIOUS depression. With very little warning, I will quite suddenly become deeply depressed. I will hate myself, I will hate Xander and I will close myself off from everyone. While this CAN frequently happen if I've missed a dose of my antidepressant, much of the time it doesn't matter in the least.
Here is a GOOD night...
Last night I had taken both of my antidepressants. I was golden - I was sure that I wouldn't have any problems with depression or anger. I'd be fine. Simon was off at his sleep study and my mother-in-law was in bed. It was about 10pm and I was feeling good.
Around midnight, Xander has been asleep (but periodically quietly fussy) for the last two hours. He is not being troublesome in any way. I am starting to get really irritated with him and anxious that he will do something - anything and that I won't like it. I feel like my skin is on fire and I'm about to burst out of it. I feel agitated and angry for no reason.
Around 1:30am, Xander is now sound asleep and not making a peep (I have been dreaming of this for a week or two, btw). I am now inches from enraged. I'm sitting there thinking angrily at Xander, "You'd better not make any noise, you'd better not make any noise." At the same time I'm having that constant fight or flight blind panic of anxiety attacks. It doesn't help that I'm itchy from my psoriasis (all over), I'm overheated, I have a headache and a crick in my neck. Discomfort seems to exacerbate all bad feelings.
Around 2am I get desperate and take a third antidepressant (I am supposed to take two a day but my doctor has told me that I am on a rather low dose right now). I also do what I can to ease my discomforts so that everything else doesn't feel so bad. I start trying to think of things that will improve my mood.
2:30am - Two things occur to me. Firstly I appear to be most afraid of him fussing and me getting up and tending to him - no idea why - this should not be something to fear. I decide that since he'll be hungry soon, I'll wake him up and feed him before he has a chance to wake up screaming for food. I feed him and then put him in a position I know he likes, the makeshift Moby wrap that my mother-in-law made me in newborn hug hold. The second thing that occurs to me is that I should try smelling him. No joke, smelling him. I know that I find inhaling his scent incredibly calming (I assume because of pheromones) and so give it a shot to see if it calms me down and makes me feel less depressed or angry. It works to a point, calming me enough for me to think clearly.
3am - I finally curl up with him in the reclining glider rocker and manage to get an hour or so of sleep while he sleeps against my chest. It is far better than nothing. The rest of the night until around 8am is spent in this fashion rather successfully.
We knew that postnatal depression was a near certainty...and I am getting help. My psychologist is informed and when I see my obstetrician next Wednesday, my antidepressants will be changed.
People offer me help - offer to take a shift, to take the kid off my hands for a while and it's all very well and good - the problem is that I go from zero to fucking furious sometimes in ten seconds. There's very seldom warning and even when there is, there's certainly not enough to get someone to my house to help.
Right now it's not a problem because my mother-in-law is here and if anything gets too insane, I can just pass him off to her. Simon hasn't gone back to work yet (because of this depression) and I can also pass Xander off to him.
...what do I do when Simon is back at work on Tuesday? What do I do when my mother-in-law goes back home on the 4th?
It really scares me.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Things I've Learned
1. Put your infant down for the night before you're tired. Putting them down for the night may take several hours. If you start this process when you're exhausted, you'll only get frustrated and angry. If the kid DOES fall asleep straight away and you're not tired? Sleep anyway. Don't know how to go to sleep when you're not tired? Learn.
2. If your kid is spitting up every 5 minutes, do not change his clothes until he is done unless you really love laundry.
3. It doesn't matter how expensive your couch is, when it gets baby vomit on it, you will simply wipe it with a cloth and worry about it later.
4. Folding babies in half makes them fart.
5. There really is no medication that is going to fix your baby's gas but in desperation you will try them all anyway.
6. Cuddling your baby while they sleep is very pleasant but may very well lead to them refusing to sleep unless held which is extremely annoying.
7. Even after you decide to stop cuddling your baby to sleep, you'll continue to do it because YOU enjoy it.
8. Sleep deprivation can drastically affect breastmilk production.
2. If your kid is spitting up every 5 minutes, do not change his clothes until he is done unless you really love laundry.
3. It doesn't matter how expensive your couch is, when it gets baby vomit on it, you will simply wipe it with a cloth and worry about it later.
4. Folding babies in half makes them fart.
5. There really is no medication that is going to fix your baby's gas but in desperation you will try them all anyway.
6. Cuddling your baby while they sleep is very pleasant but may very well lead to them refusing to sleep unless held which is extremely annoying.
7. Even after you decide to stop cuddling your baby to sleep, you'll continue to do it because YOU enjoy it.
8. Sleep deprivation can drastically affect breastmilk production.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Up All Night
I'm tired. I'm so bloody tired, I'm just going to repost something from MSN rather than explain again how I feel about it. I just can't process that much thought right now.
(12:19:12 AM) Sandra:
I'm knackered and trying to figure out how I'm going to stay up all night with Xander. :/
(12:19:20 AM) Faerie grrl:
Simon gone back to work yet?
(12:19:32 AM) Sandra:
He goes back to work Thursday.
(12:19:41 AM) Faerie grrl:
So pass him off tonight & get some sleep....
(12:19:57 AM) Faerie grrl:
Tell Simon to stay up - to take watch... so you can properly rest...
00:20
(12:22:01 AM) Sandra:
He won't. He says he needs to get his sleep patterns properly on track in preparation for work on Thursday...which is true...
(12:22:58 AM) Sandra:
Which really scares me - because I can't do this EVERY night. The only reason I can do it now is because in the morning - at 8am or 10am, Simon takes over and I get to sleep. When he goes back to work, I'm going to be up all night and then there will be no one to take the next shift. Just THINKING about that makes me feel like crying.
Xander's colic is definitely improving. He sleeps long periods of time and doesn't fuss. ...however, this is during the day. At night ....between about 1am and 7am... for whatever reason...he becomes gassy and fussy and won't sleep for more than 20 minutes at a time. That is my time up with him. The last 2 nights I've stayed up with him when he's fussy and have found myself fairly exhausted in the morning. I'm sure we'll find a way to deal with it, and I'll figure out something - but right now I just feel like everything is hopeless. Right now I'm scared for my sanity, for my mood, for Xander and for my own wellbeing. I'm being run so ragged, I'm starting to hurt all over - I'm hating everyone - I'm having a hard time finding the energy to eat properly and to take care of myself and I'm becoming depressed even with my medications. I can't keep this up for much longer.
(12:19:12 AM) Sandra:
I'm knackered and trying to figure out how I'm going to stay up all night with Xander. :/
(12:19:20 AM) Faerie grrl:
Simon gone back to work yet?
(12:19:32 AM) Sandra:
He goes back to work Thursday.
(12:19:41 AM) Faerie grrl:
So pass him off tonight & get some sleep....
(12:19:57 AM) Faerie grrl:
Tell Simon to stay up - to take watch... so you can properly rest...
00:20
(12:22:01 AM) Sandra:
He won't. He says he needs to get his sleep patterns properly on track in preparation for work on Thursday...which is true...
(12:22:58 AM) Sandra:
Which really scares me - because I can't do this EVERY night. The only reason I can do it now is because in the morning - at 8am or 10am, Simon takes over and I get to sleep. When he goes back to work, I'm going to be up all night and then there will be no one to take the next shift. Just THINKING about that makes me feel like crying.
Xander's colic is definitely improving. He sleeps long periods of time and doesn't fuss. ...however, this is during the day. At night ....between about 1am and 7am... for whatever reason...he becomes gassy and fussy and won't sleep for more than 20 minutes at a time. That is my time up with him. The last 2 nights I've stayed up with him when he's fussy and have found myself fairly exhausted in the morning. I'm sure we'll find a way to deal with it, and I'll figure out something - but right now I just feel like everything is hopeless. Right now I'm scared for my sanity, for my mood, for Xander and for my own wellbeing. I'm being run so ragged, I'm starting to hurt all over - I'm hating everyone - I'm having a hard time finding the energy to eat properly and to take care of myself and I'm becoming depressed even with my medications. I can't keep this up for much longer.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Sunday September 19th, 2010 - 7:29am
Barf happens. So does poo, urine and drool. Before I had Xander, if a cat would rub a wet nose on me I'd be all shuddering and scrubbing my skin with steel wool. Ew. Gross. Catnose. Nevermind a baby getting drool on me...I mean, I'd just lose it if that happened. ...and the few times a baby ever spit up on me, I had to hold them out toward their parents while I dry heaved and tried desperately to make it to a bathroom before vomiting. ...so believe me...I get it.
So I had the kid.
Cats still rub their noses on me, I still freak out.
Babies still spit up, I still think it's gross.
....unless it's mine.
Okay well...it's not like it's pleasant now or anything...but Xander could drool all over me and I wouldn't think it was remotely icky, he could hose me down during a change (and has) and generally all I do is laugh at the ridiculousness of the situation and clean us both up, poo is...okay well poo is always icky, but for some reason you care less. For some reason your own child's bodily fluids, while fundamentally identical to any other child's, don't gross you out nearly as much.
Weird evolutionary tool or just the breaking of the parent's spirit? :P
So I had the kid.
Cats still rub their noses on me, I still freak out.
Babies still spit up, I still think it's gross.
....unless it's mine.
Okay well...it's not like it's pleasant now or anything...but Xander could drool all over me and I wouldn't think it was remotely icky, he could hose me down during a change (and has) and generally all I do is laugh at the ridiculousness of the situation and clean us both up, poo is...okay well poo is always icky, but for some reason you care less. For some reason your own child's bodily fluids, while fundamentally identical to any other child's, don't gross you out nearly as much.
Weird evolutionary tool or just the breaking of the parent's spirit? :P
Monday, September 13, 2010
Tuesday September 14th, 2010 - 3:59pm
Feeling rather like an awful mother.
I don't know if it's the caesarean or not, but I seem to need (actually NEED) at least ten hours of sleep a day. I was never very quick with waking up but for some reason, since Xander's birth, I am an even heavier sleeper. He'll be screaming his head off for ten or fifteen minutes before I'll wake up - or Simon will have to yell to wake me up, at which point I open my eyes and immediately close them and fall asleep again.
Occasionally I'll wake up to Xander screaming and Simon trying to console him and will notice that Simon is getting rather frustrated. I'll try to stay awake and will struggle to keep my eyes open, failing miserably.
When I'm awake, I wonder what kind of mother would do this.
I worry constantly about when Simon goes back to work. How the Hell will he get good sleep if he's being kept up all night by a screaming baby and I can't stay conscious to help out? Why can't I wake up or stay awake?
On another note, I've been fainting regularly for the last week or so. Even when I don't go down completely I'll lose my balance and black out a moment and stumble into a wall. Fully intending to go and see a doctor - but can't get an appointment until Friday, blargh.
Feeling depressed, need lunch.
Oh...one really nifty thing? It's been 20 days since giving birth and I have lost 19 kilos (That's 42 pounds for those of you who use Imperial). I actually only gained 12 kilos (26lbs) during my pregnancy so this is a pleasant surprise. I'mnot really exercising at all (okay so I don't consider things like mowing the lawn, chopping kindling, cleaning the house, gardening, grocery shopping, moving furniture and boxes and such to be exercise but apparently some people do) but have been eating rather well. I doubt this will continue much longer so I may as well enjoy it while it lasts...
I don't know if it's the caesarean or not, but I seem to need (actually NEED) at least ten hours of sleep a day. I was never very quick with waking up but for some reason, since Xander's birth, I am an even heavier sleeper. He'll be screaming his head off for ten or fifteen minutes before I'll wake up - or Simon will have to yell to wake me up, at which point I open my eyes and immediately close them and fall asleep again.
Occasionally I'll wake up to Xander screaming and Simon trying to console him and will notice that Simon is getting rather frustrated. I'll try to stay awake and will struggle to keep my eyes open, failing miserably.
When I'm awake, I wonder what kind of mother would do this.
I worry constantly about when Simon goes back to work. How the Hell will he get good sleep if he's being kept up all night by a screaming baby and I can't stay conscious to help out? Why can't I wake up or stay awake?
On another note, I've been fainting regularly for the last week or so. Even when I don't go down completely I'll lose my balance and black out a moment and stumble into a wall. Fully intending to go and see a doctor - but can't get an appointment until Friday, blargh.
Feeling depressed, need lunch.
Oh...one really nifty thing? It's been 20 days since giving birth and I have lost 19 kilos (That's 42 pounds for those of you who use Imperial). I actually only gained 12 kilos (26lbs) during my pregnancy so this is a pleasant surprise. I'm
Friday, September 10, 2010
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Post-labour note on nitrous oxide during birth.
They will tell you to only inhale as you feel a contraction coming on and to stop once the contraction's peak passes.
You MAY be one of the people who gets crazy nauseous if you suck on it too hard. If you're not....consider doing it anyway. >.> They'll tell you not to....but I say...if you're going to be high once in your life, what better time than when you're in labour?
I was still feeling contractions and pain but I totally didn't care. Whenever the nurse left the room, I'd stop being a good girl and start breathing the nitrous as if it were air. It was awesome. Everything was floaty and funny and I didn't care about much of anything.
Nitrous oxide was amazing.
Morphine paled by comparison.
...of course...nothing beat the epidural.
You MAY be one of the people who gets crazy nauseous if you suck on it too hard. If you're not....consider doing it anyway. >.> They'll tell you not to....but I say...if you're going to be high once in your life, what better time than when you're in labour?
I was still feeling contractions and pain but I totally didn't care. Whenever the nurse left the room, I'd stop being a good girl and start breathing the nitrous as if it were air. It was awesome. Everything was floaty and funny and I didn't care about much of anything.
Nitrous oxide was amazing.
Morphine paled by comparison.
...of course...nothing beat the epidural.
Tuesday September 7th, 2010 - 11:48pm
My poor baby has terrible, awful tummy pains. Something is causing gas or something and he stays awake for long periods in obvious discomfort, arching his back and crying. We finally got some simethicone for him which should provide some relief. Hearing him cry for hours is as annoying and frustrating as you might think, but it's also heartbreaking when I know that he's doing it because he's in pain. The worst part is that it seems to flare up at night, leaving Simon and I unable to sleep well.
Last night we finally passed out around 3am. We're actually not sure when he fell asleep because we didn't mean to fall asleep. We were desperately trying to stay awake to get him settled. We failed. We apparently fell asleep while he was fussing. He must have settled fairly soon afterward as well, because he didn't fuss loud enough to wake us up, not until he woke around 8am asking for food. Needless to say, aside from the times we were awake to feed him, we slept in quite late today. I got up around 11am, Simon got up at 2pm.
So how is parenting? Probably understandably hard to explain. It's not as hard as I thought it would be...and yet in many ways so much harder than I thought. The actual caring for him is mind numbingly easy. Feed, burp, change, repeat, repeat, repeat, bathe, repeat steps 1-3. I'm aware that it gets more complicated, but for right now....so very simple. The harder parts are the hours - I won't say sleep deprivation because so far, there's been fairly little real sleep deprivation. Delayed sleep, yes...odd hours, absolutely...but we've very rarely been absolutely DEPRIVED of sleep. The odd hours have been fairly hard to get used to. Getting used to waking up in the middle of the night and napping in the middle of the day has been, when you think about the timeline, fairly easy. I mean, I've been home only a week and I pretty quickly went from being a zombie at night to actually being somewhat awake. I also went from not being able to fall asleep in the daytime to being able to fall asleep pretty much whenever I want.
It's also scary, by the way. I spent the first 2-3 nights exhausted more because of horrible nightmares than because of the baby crying. I had any number of nightmares in which Xander was killed in some sort of accident. The only one I can remember clearly involved Simon holding up a mangled and bloody Xander to show me and saying (with some horror), "I fell. I think I hurt the baby." (I still shudder when I think about this dream.) That's the kind of shit I dream about. It's ALL I dream about. It is not fun, but I know it will stop.
I'm totally used to getting bodily fluids on me now. You'd think the poo bothers me most but it totally doesn't. Baby vomit is SHOCKINGLY horrid. It looks gross, smells putrid and while I can see blood and guts, I can't see vomit without my own stomach turning.
The entire thing is a constant learning experience. We're getting better at working out his signals and figuring out what he needs and wants and we're becoming more confident in our abilities and more relaxed in our approach.
And on that note, I'm going to go and nap.
Last night we finally passed out around 3am. We're actually not sure when he fell asleep because we didn't mean to fall asleep. We were desperately trying to stay awake to get him settled. We failed. We apparently fell asleep while he was fussing. He must have settled fairly soon afterward as well, because he didn't fuss loud enough to wake us up, not until he woke around 8am asking for food. Needless to say, aside from the times we were awake to feed him, we slept in quite late today. I got up around 11am, Simon got up at 2pm.
So how is parenting? Probably understandably hard to explain. It's not as hard as I thought it would be...and yet in many ways so much harder than I thought. The actual caring for him is mind numbingly easy. Feed, burp, change, repeat, repeat, repeat, bathe, repeat steps 1-3. I'm aware that it gets more complicated, but for right now....so very simple. The harder parts are the hours - I won't say sleep deprivation because so far, there's been fairly little real sleep deprivation. Delayed sleep, yes...odd hours, absolutely...but we've very rarely been absolutely DEPRIVED of sleep. The odd hours have been fairly hard to get used to. Getting used to waking up in the middle of the night and napping in the middle of the day has been, when you think about the timeline, fairly easy. I mean, I've been home only a week and I pretty quickly went from being a zombie at night to actually being somewhat awake. I also went from not being able to fall asleep in the daytime to being able to fall asleep pretty much whenever I want.
It's also scary, by the way. I spent the first 2-3 nights exhausted more because of horrible nightmares than because of the baby crying. I had any number of nightmares in which Xander was killed in some sort of accident. The only one I can remember clearly involved Simon holding up a mangled and bloody Xander to show me and saying (with some horror), "I fell. I think I hurt the baby." (I still shudder when I think about this dream.) That's the kind of shit I dream about. It's ALL I dream about. It is not fun, but I know it will stop.
I'm totally used to getting bodily fluids on me now. You'd think the poo bothers me most but it totally doesn't. Baby vomit is SHOCKINGLY horrid. It looks gross, smells putrid and while I can see blood and guts, I can't see vomit without my own stomach turning.
The entire thing is a constant learning experience. We're getting better at working out his signals and figuring out what he needs and wants and we're becoming more confident in our abilities and more relaxed in our approach.
And on that note, I'm going to go and nap.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Sunday Sepbember 5th, 2010 - Father's Day - 4:45pm
Okay so...part of this being real is posting about things that might not necessarily be comfortable - either for people reading them - or for me. I've been avoiding posting anything in this blog for several days because I've either been too afraid, too ashamed, too embarrassed or too depressed to talk about what's been happening with all of us - so I've been quiet.
The first two days were, in many ways, the hardest. We could never get him to sleep and couldn't figure out why. He never wanted to settle and we hadn't developed the tools necessary to discover his needs. Over time, we're slowly starting to learn what he wants when he cries. We're learning which signals mean he's hungry and which are simply an uncomfortable, gassy baby fussing about.
The biggest challenges we've faced are related to my moods and to feeding. Feeding has been difficult at best and next to impossible at worst - at least breastfeeding.
With Xander's birth, I did great. I told myself that I was okay with any turn of events and that I had no set plan. I was determined not to make myself feel like a failure no matter what. No rigid plans meant no disappointment when things didn't go my way.
I thought that I was the same way about breastfeeding. I told myself that I would try it but that if I couldn't manage to breastfeed effectively, I would make the switch to expressing or formula and not feel bad about my choice. Keeping in that mindset about labour was easy. With breastfeeding it has been next to impossible.
I'm not sure if it's because labour was a mere 36 hours or so (most of which I was drugged to the gills) and breastfeeding spans over days and weeks. I'm not sure if it's because I really, honestly didn't believe that I would have any problems breastfeeding. I am sure that part of it...is that I feel constantly watched and judged over it.
It has nothing at all to do with supply - that I've got. It's all about ignorance. I can't get the kid to attach and when I can, I can't get him to stay attached. I can't get him into a comfortable position either for myself or for him and when I can, I can't get him to stay awake long enough to get a decent feed. More feeds have ended in me curling up and sobbing hysterically than with me feeling satisfied with the situation. So I made the confident decision to top him up with formula (or to provide full formula/expressed breastmilk feeds when I've been completely unable to feed him directly). I felt good about that decision. ...then the first midwife looked at me disdainfully, asked me what I wanted to do - said in that tone that if all I was going to do was feed him with formula, they wouldn't bother teaching me how to breastfeed. I felt crushed, I felt judged and I felt attacked.
I persevered with breastfeeding and ran into the same brick wall again and again. My mood just deteriorated further and I again made the confident decision to top him up with formula - telling myself that I would be a better parent if I weren't under so much stress. Another midwife looked down on me and again I was backed into a corner.
This has happened again and again over the last 11 days. In just 11 days I've gone through this cycle at least 5 times with different people, all looking down their nose at me and making me feel as though my decision to supplement with formula made me a failure or made me a bad mother. The result is that I've become harried, depressed and I've started to actually shy away from my baby himself. I feel completely inadequate most of the time. Ill equipped to be anyone's mother.
At the advice of Trish, I've decided to see a lactation consultant (if I can ever get her to call me back) and have been leaving my therapist a scary number of voicemails attempting to make an appointment with her as soon as possible.
Today Simon went to the grocery store, leaving me alone with the baby. I was scared shitless to be alone with my own baby. What if he cried and I couldn't figure out what was wrong? What if he cried for hours? What if I again "failed" to feed him? What if I ended up curled up while he screamed, cryig myself and unable to handle it?
Why do I feel as though this is a strange fear?
I've read a lot of books during my pregnancy, many of which end up totally useless, by ther way, when you are sleep deprived and your baby is screaming. It doesn't matter how many books told you that swaddling is comforting for the majority of unsettled babies, when you're sleep deprived, you can't remember a damned thing - you're just on the verge of tearing your hair out and screaming at the little bastard to shut up.
That's right, little bastard - another normal feeling - anger at your baby. It'll make you hate yourself, but even the most level headed parents will get furious with their own baby simply for being indecipherable in its demands. Baby screams, parents are lost as to the cause and the sheer annoyance of the screams combined with frustration at your own helplessness will make you angry at, and maybe even make you momentarily hate your baby.
And you will feel like a monster afterward. Move on. Just don't dwell on it. Try to do better next time.
Fussy baby...more later.
The first two days were, in many ways, the hardest. We could never get him to sleep and couldn't figure out why. He never wanted to settle and we hadn't developed the tools necessary to discover his needs. Over time, we're slowly starting to learn what he wants when he cries. We're learning which signals mean he's hungry and which are simply an uncomfortable, gassy baby fussing about.
The biggest challenges we've faced are related to my moods and to feeding. Feeding has been difficult at best and next to impossible at worst - at least breastfeeding.
With Xander's birth, I did great. I told myself that I was okay with any turn of events and that I had no set plan. I was determined not to make myself feel like a failure no matter what. No rigid plans meant no disappointment when things didn't go my way.
I thought that I was the same way about breastfeeding. I told myself that I would try it but that if I couldn't manage to breastfeed effectively, I would make the switch to expressing or formula and not feel bad about my choice. Keeping in that mindset about labour was easy. With breastfeeding it has been next to impossible.
I'm not sure if it's because labour was a mere 36 hours or so (most of which I was drugged to the gills) and breastfeeding spans over days and weeks. I'm not sure if it's because I really, honestly didn't believe that I would have any problems breastfeeding. I am sure that part of it...is that I feel constantly watched and judged over it.
It has nothing at all to do with supply - that I've got. It's all about ignorance. I can't get the kid to attach and when I can, I can't get him to stay attached. I can't get him into a comfortable position either for myself or for him and when I can, I can't get him to stay awake long enough to get a decent feed. More feeds have ended in me curling up and sobbing hysterically than with me feeling satisfied with the situation. So I made the confident decision to top him up with formula (or to provide full formula/expressed breastmilk feeds when I've been completely unable to feed him directly). I felt good about that decision. ...then the first midwife looked at me disdainfully, asked me what I wanted to do - said in that tone that if all I was going to do was feed him with formula, they wouldn't bother teaching me how to breastfeed. I felt crushed, I felt judged and I felt attacked.
I persevered with breastfeeding and ran into the same brick wall again and again. My mood just deteriorated further and I again made the confident decision to top him up with formula - telling myself that I would be a better parent if I weren't under so much stress. Another midwife looked down on me and again I was backed into a corner.
This has happened again and again over the last 11 days. In just 11 days I've gone through this cycle at least 5 times with different people, all looking down their nose at me and making me feel as though my decision to supplement with formula made me a failure or made me a bad mother. The result is that I've become harried, depressed and I've started to actually shy away from my baby himself. I feel completely inadequate most of the time. Ill equipped to be anyone's mother.
At the advice of Trish, I've decided to see a lactation consultant (if I can ever get her to call me back) and have been leaving my therapist a scary number of voicemails attempting to make an appointment with her as soon as possible.
Today Simon went to the grocery store, leaving me alone with the baby. I was scared shitless to be alone with my own baby. What if he cried and I couldn't figure out what was wrong? What if he cried for hours? What if I again "failed" to feed him? What if I ended up curled up while he screamed, cryig myself and unable to handle it?
Why do I feel as though this is a strange fear?
I've read a lot of books during my pregnancy, many of which end up totally useless, by ther way, when you are sleep deprived and your baby is screaming. It doesn't matter how many books told you that swaddling is comforting for the majority of unsettled babies, when you're sleep deprived, you can't remember a damned thing - you're just on the verge of tearing your hair out and screaming at the little bastard to shut up.
That's right, little bastard - another normal feeling - anger at your baby. It'll make you hate yourself, but even the most level headed parents will get furious with their own baby simply for being indecipherable in its demands. Baby screams, parents are lost as to the cause and the sheer annoyance of the screams combined with frustration at your own helplessness will make you angry at, and maybe even make you momentarily hate your baby.
And you will feel like a monster afterward. Move on. Just don't dwell on it. Try to do better next time.
Fussy baby...more later.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Saturday - 11:37pm
Okay so, as it turns out - doing a blog while you're in labour (or while your wife is in labour) is CRAZY easy. Lesson learned. Doing ANYTHING at all for the next 3 days? Harder!
I keep sitting up to type and going, "Oh god, fuck...damnit...I could be napping instead...why am I torturing myself?! Then someone visits. Then a nurse walks in. Then it's time to eat. Then it's time for him to eat. Then someone visits. Then a nurse walks in. Then it's time to eat. Then it's time for him to eat. And then...I just cry." This probably sounds familiar to every woman who has ever had a baby in a hospital. Tomorrow I am implementing a strict "20 minute visit" policy.
Yes, 20 minutes. I love you all but I need alone time or I'm going to dissolve into a pile of tears and blood or something.
I'm feeling better today after just getting some SLEEP and finally getting off the strong painkillers. Simon and I are taking feeds in shifts (mostly, I do ALL the breast feeds but he does half the formula top-ups which takes up 95% of the time anyway). Afterward, if I'm not falling asleep (very much 'if'), I will lie with Xander naked on my naked chest for a while. This makes both of us INSANELY happy. New favourite thing ever. Planning on spending full days like this if possible.
Today I was actually coherant enough to PREPARE myself for feeds. Water, a snack, the formula to top him up (taken out an hour beforehand (it's chilled) so it's room temperature), a towel (or blanket) or two, a fresh diaper, wipes and a fresh sheet. So far this is good, as it lets me feel more comfortable while I'm feeding him.
Looking forward to going home...if only so I can be in familiar surroundings and can start to move on from this place. The staff here are great but...home is home.
Time to feed him now, more later.
I keep sitting up to type and going, "Oh god, fuck...damnit...I could be napping instead...why am I torturing myself?! Then someone visits. Then a nurse walks in. Then it's time to eat. Then it's time for him to eat. Then someone visits. Then a nurse walks in. Then it's time to eat. Then it's time for him to eat. And then...I just cry." This probably sounds familiar to every woman who has ever had a baby in a hospital. Tomorrow I am implementing a strict "20 minute visit" policy.
Yes, 20 minutes. I love you all but I need alone time or I'm going to dissolve into a pile of tears and blood or something.
I'm feeling better today after just getting some SLEEP and finally getting off the strong painkillers. Simon and I are taking feeds in shifts (mostly, I do ALL the breast feeds but he does half the formula top-ups which takes up 95% of the time anyway). Afterward, if I'm not falling asleep (very much 'if'), I will lie with Xander naked on my naked chest for a while. This makes both of us INSANELY happy. New favourite thing ever. Planning on spending full days like this if possible.
Today I was actually coherant enough to PREPARE myself for feeds. Water, a snack, the formula to top him up (taken out an hour beforehand (it's chilled) so it's room temperature), a towel (or blanket) or two, a fresh diaper, wipes and a fresh sheet. So far this is good, as it lets me feel more comfortable while I'm feeding him.
Looking forward to going home...if only so I can be in familiar surroundings and can start to move on from this place. The staff here are great but...home is home.
Time to feed him now, more later.
Saturday 11:52 am
In the midst of a small window where I'm awake enough to compose coherent sentences of bananas and fish, I figured I should post something . . .
Xander spent most of the last few days here with us, with regular visits to the nicu for things like help with breastfeeding, help with breastfeeding, and help with breastfeeding (seeing a pattern yet?). He's been well behaved and quiet, but he's been having issues latching to the nipple properly, and Sandra's had some issues helping him to latch. That said he's been having regular feeds from the breast, and happily eating from the bottle.
Later, at 9:20pm
We were moved to the postnatal ward this afternoon, where Sandra's been getting more assistance with feeding Xander, and more assistance with him in general - the postnatal ward is set up to deal with new parents, in a way the antenatal war isn't. Sandra's having more success feeding him now, and he's been discharged so we're completely responsible for him. It's rather nice, and we're coping pretty well, now that Sandra's more confident with the feeding. We're also getting better at other aspects of this parenthood thing, like settling him and dressing him. I just changed his clothes and wrapped him, and when he didn't want to settle I used my finger as a dummy - after a few minutes he was sleeping happily and I could (carefully) pull my finger out.
Before that moment I couldn't imagine putting my finger in a baby's mouth, let alone use it as a dummy - I've always found sticky things icky, so the idea wouldn't have occurred to me. But it was totally natural and not icky at all.
So yeah, things are settling down and I think they're looking good for the future.
A couple of things that I'm currently thinking of: spending a while in hospital is a quick sharp lesson in basic hygiene - I've washed my hands more often and more thoroughly than ever before on my life, and I've been constantly bombarded by hygiene related messages and dictums. To go onto the nicu you have to take off all jewelery and was your hands and forearms; one time I was asked to wear a facemask because of my cold. Unfortunately, the constant hand washing has resulted in extremely dry skin on my hands - so dry it's cracking and bleeding. I'm goingg to have to use some of Sandra's udder cream to make them less painful.
On the other hand being here has been really valuable. Being able to find a midwife and get a fairly authoritative answer to any questions, and help dealing with any problems, is really great.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Thursday 1:20 am
Almost too tired to post anything.
Alexander Henry Douglas Fowler was born at 23:08 on the 25th of August 2010, weighing 3740g and 40-something centimeters in length . . . And stuff. There's other stats about him, I'm sure, but I can't remember them. I'm sure they're written down somewhere.
Sandra's on morphine to deal with the caesarian pain, which seems to be harder to deal with than contractions. Possibly because of the nitrous, which seems to have been very effective.
Xander isn't with us because of the morphine Sandra got - it meant that he came out drugged, and had a little difficulty establishing breathing on his own. He was perfectly healthy otherwise, but the initial problems meant he had to go to a neonatal care unit for the night.
Unfortunately that meant Sandra hasn't been able to see him yet aside from right after he was pulled out, covered in blood and vernix. If he's okay in a few hours they may bring him down so she can see him - maybe even try feeding him.
So, I guess that means the labour part of the blog is done . . .
Wedmesday 10:53 pm
So, she's at 8cm dilation, but his head isn't fully past the brim of the pelvis (words from Ayesha - blame her for any errors ;-). So, they're doing a c-section. I'm waiting to be allowed in.
Wednesday 10:24 pm
I get to wear scrubs!
Sandra's in the or with Susie, I'm waiting outside to be called in. no idea what's happening aside from ghe gist of it.
Xander is fine, Susie reckons the cord is being constricted and that's what's causing the decelerations. I don't know what that means as far as c-section vs. vaginal vs. whatever, but I figure Susie knows . . .
All I can do o is wait.
wedenesday 10:11 pm
rushing to pack everything up so we can run down and steal an OR, from which Susie will examine Sandra and we'll decide where to go from there.
Any further posts will be from my phone, or done after everything's done and dusted. Bye for now!
Any further posts will be from my phone, or done after everything's done and dusted. Bye for now!
Wednesday 9:35 pm
So, the midwives called Susie, and they've stopped the syntocin and started prepping for a possible c-section - Susie is concerned about the decelerations during contractions, and they're considering the c-section in case that's a serious problem . . .
Basically, every time Sandra has a contraction Xander's heart rate drops drastically - from ~150-170 to ~80 or so. That, combined with how long it takes for him to recover after the contraction stops, makes it potentially problematic.
We'll know more when Susie gets in, but for now we're just keeping an eye on it . . .
Basically, every time Sandra has a contraction Xander's heart rate drops drastically - from ~150-170 to ~80 or so. That, combined with how long it takes for him to recover after the contraction stops, makes it potentially problematic.
We'll know more when Susie gets in, but for now we're just keeping an eye on it . . .
Wednesday 9:03 pm
Wewt! After the epidural and a big spike in the syntocin, Sandra just got an exam and she's at 6-7cm, and three fifths of the head in the pelvis! Not just progress, real, good strong progress!
We may well have a baby tonight!
We may well have a baby tonight!
Wednesday 5:14 pm
So, Sandra got the epidural and she's now happy in painless land.
The epidural was interesting, and rather quicker than I expected. It may have been helped by the fact Sandra was high on nitrous, though . . .
She's now happy, though the twin indignities of flatulence and a catheter are happening as I write this . . .
And in a nice bonus, we may not even have to pay for it!
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Wednesday 3:41 pm
Well, Sandra's been back on nitrous for a few hours, since it's been far more effective than the morphine. Unfortunately she hasn't made any progress, so what they're talking about is giving her an epidural and upping the syntosin a whole lot more to try and get things moving . . .
The epidural is so that they can raise the syntosin to levels that would be unbearably painful otherwise. Not sure how I feel about that . . .
It doesn't help that Sandra is falling asleep between contractions, so she wakes up to them rather than being able to prepare - the nitrous takes a bit to kick in, so she really needs to start breathing it five or ten seconds before the contraction starts for it to be most effective. As it is it makes things bearable, but it would probably be more effective if she was awake to manage it better.
Wednesday 12:52 pm
Well, the nitrous is helping, but not enough at the moment, and she's not far enough along to have an epidural, so they're considering morphine.
Make that demanding morphine. Sandra, that is - the nursing staff demanding morphine would be a bit odd . . .
On top of that the ctg isn't registering her contractions, so we're going to have to time them manually. A lovely progression of events.
Wednesday 11:46 am
Sandra's started on the nitrous, and seems to be enjoying it . . . though I'm a little worried that she'll go a bit overboard and feel ill. In the antenatal classes the reckoned that was the biggest issue with people using nitrous, and that misuse was the reason people had bad experiences.
She's also had a foetal scalp monitor put in to track the baby's heart rate - they use a doppler mike normally, same as the little ones that midwives use and you can get pretty easily, but if they need to keep monitoring they'll use a more permanent option that directly measures heart rate via a probe that attaches to the baby's head. Since they're inducing her they need to keep her monitored, and she's dilated enough that they can get at his head.
She's not dilating all that fast, but at least the contractions are strong and coming at a good rate (good is four or less strong contractions in ten minutes). Though they seem to be coming a bit fast now - six in ten, so they may need to change things . . .
Probably another exam some time soonish, then discuss with Susie.
Wednesday 9:29 am
Bonnie's visiting, and they're busy trashing the whole birth thing. I'm not sure how else they expect to get rid of the parasites . . .
Maybe they don't consider a caesarian a me thod of giving birth?
Wednesday 9:06 am
There was a small issue with the line delivering the syntocin (yes, it's spelled that way, sorry to have gotten it wrong before, Sandra), but after replacing it everything's behaving. And now Sandra's started having strong contractions again! Yey!
Not that she'll agree that it's yey worthy . . .
Wednesday 8:50 am
By the way, she's apparently around 1cm dilation, and 80-90% effaced. Which Susie was quite happy with, so we're both happy with it. Or something.
Wednesday 8:06 am
So Sandra's being induced now - they've put in the iv line, and they're nearly ready to start running cyntocin through it. We had the tiniest of breakfasts (a bowl of cereal for Sandra and a couple of slices of cold dry white toast for me - they didn't have any butter, let alone vegemite, the bastards), some coffee, and now Sandra's gone nil-by-mouth . . .
She's changed her mind about the pain relief stuff - she's gone from wanting an epidural as a last resort to probably having one not too long after she hits 3cm dilation . . . Which is fine, but I'm a little uncomfortable with it, since the epidural is a fairly big thing . . . Also, very expensive! (yes, I know that's a bad thing to be thinking about at a time like this, but it's hard not to when you know it'll cost $1500)
Anyway, they're giving her iv antibiotics (using a nifteh spring loaded syringe) and once that's done the cyntocin.
Susie just showed up. Sandra likes to call her a tiny little ninja - I love that description.
She seems quite happy with everything, and reckons we could wait another 24 hours before inducing, but she figured Sandra would be too impatient for that . . . In any case, the whole thing seems to be going well.
Wednesday - 4:30am
I'm supposed to be asleep, really...but my sinuses hurt.
I was thinking today that there are a few things that pregnancy just fundamentally changes no matter who you are. For example...
Psamanthe will attest to the fact that I was the kind of girl who would be mortified if anyone saw my calves or my upper arms...much less any MORE of my skin. If I weren't so easily overheated, I'd probably greatly enjoy a burqa for its concealing properties.
I have spent the whole day not only without underwear on but with my ass merrily hanging out for all to see...and I totally don't care. If a random person walked in right now, I might make a half-assed attempt to cover my butt, but that would be about it.
There comes a certain point where wearing underwear (and having to change clothes ten times in a day) just isn't worth keeping that last tiny shred of modesty. I used to be pretty mortified at the idea of pelvic exams or my doctors having someone else in the room with them when they did them. Now I'm like, "Do we have any students who want a LOOKSEE?!" ...okay, but less creepy exhibitionist...
I've just given up any sense of decently apparently. From what I hear, this is common...it's just yet another of the things I couldn't have imagined happening to me until it happened.
Apparently most women in second stage labour just want to be completely, unashamedly naked. See, I still can't see myself there...but on the other hand, I won't be surprised if it happens...
I was thinking today that there are a few things that pregnancy just fundamentally changes no matter who you are. For example...
Psamanthe will attest to the fact that I was the kind of girl who would be mortified if anyone saw my calves or my upper arms...much less any MORE of my skin. If I weren't so easily overheated, I'd probably greatly enjoy a burqa for its concealing properties.
I have spent the whole day not only without underwear on but with my ass merrily hanging out for all to see...and I totally don't care. If a random person walked in right now, I might make a half-assed attempt to cover my butt, but that would be about it.
There comes a certain point where wearing underwear (and having to change clothes ten times in a day) just isn't worth keeping that last tiny shred of modesty. I used to be pretty mortified at the idea of pelvic exams or my doctors having someone else in the room with them when they did them. Now I'm like, "Do we have any students who want a LOOKSEE?!" ...okay, but less creepy exhibitionist...
I've just given up any sense of decently apparently. From what I hear, this is common...it's just yet another of the things I couldn't have imagined happening to me until it happened.
Apparently most women in second stage labour just want to be completely, unashamedly naked. See, I still can't see myself there...but on the other hand, I won't be surprised if it happens...
Wednesday - 3:11am
Woke up sort of randomly in that way you sometimes do. It's the middle of the night but you're RIGHT in between sleep cycles so you wake up feeling totally conscious and well rested (until the tired kicks in again ten minutes later) and thought I'd use it to assess how I feel and to check some emails and maybe post an update. ...sadly (or not, depending on your perspective), I'm not contracting anymore that I can feel (worth noting that I'm spending 99% of my time totally asleep so I may just not be waking up or noticing it. Kid is moving around merrily which is good. Movements feel rather low, too.
I'm not really overly concerned. If I'm not contracting now, it means that I'll just be nice and well rested for when they give me pitocin in a few hours (probably around 7 or 8am).
I'm actually really pleased with the morphine. All things considered, I don't feel that sluggish from it - or at least...not in the same way. It's not the same unrelenting exhaustion tired that you sometimes feel with sleeping pills. It's just the sort of dregs of a nice, relaxed (hey, I could totally nap) feeling. This is actually preferable.
Simon is sleeping well. I actually told him before I went to sleep that I might need his help in the middle of the night getting up to pee (because at the time everything was spinning so amazingly fast, wheeeee!) but by the time I woke up a couple of hours later I was MUCH more capable of walking in straight lines.
In other news, I appear to have finally caught Simon's cold which is just the best damned timing ever - and apparently the dental pain I've been having over the last week or two is probably caused by the relaxin making my teeth loose (it jumps from tooth to tooth, hurting every one in the right side of my jaw and sometimes just my gums). Okay. Things are getting spinny again, time for more sleep...
I'm not really overly concerned. If I'm not contracting now, it means that I'll just be nice and well rested for when they give me pitocin in a few hours (probably around 7 or 8am).
I'm actually really pleased with the morphine. All things considered, I don't feel that sluggish from it - or at least...not in the same way. It's not the same unrelenting exhaustion tired that you sometimes feel with sleeping pills. It's just the sort of dregs of a nice, relaxed (hey, I could totally nap) feeling. This is actually preferable.
Simon is sleeping well. I actually told him before I went to sleep that I might need his help in the middle of the night getting up to pee (because at the time everything was spinning so amazingly fast, wheeeee!) but by the time I woke up a couple of hours later I was MUCH more capable of walking in straight lines.
In other news, I appear to have finally caught Simon's cold which is just the best damned timing ever - and apparently the dental pain I've been having over the last week or two is probably caused by the relaxin making my teeth loose (it jumps from tooth to tooth, hurting every one in the right side of my jaw and sometimes just my gums). Okay. Things are getting spinny again, time for more sleep...
Tuesday 11:02 pm
I just had a really nerdy thought. When Xander is finally born, I'd collect half a dozen NMEA strings from my gps to record the exact time and place it happened. About as nerdy as it's possible to get, but maybe a little cool, too . . .
I doubt it'd be practical, though. Unless there was an app to handle it . . .
Tuesday 10:27 pm
Sandra just got drugged. She seems to be enjoying it . . .
She just got her first actual exam, and it showed that she's making some progress, but not much - her cervix isn't yet fully effaced, but it's getting there. The fact that she's been at it for 16 hours now is a little problematic, though.
Because she's still got a way to go before she's in full labour they've given her some morphine and an anti-nausea drug, to make her sleep and not have a problem with pain (unless she does progress to full labour).
I'm staying here overnight (though I'll have to go home some time tomorrow to feed the animals), but for now I can be the dedicated husband ;-)
By the way, to any midwives reading this, please please PLEASE tell your patients what's going on. We had been waiting all day to know what was happening, and we only just got some information from the midwife who did the exam now. If someone had said hours ago that they had experience with how effective the TENS machine was, so they weren't just ignoring us because Sandra was coping with the pain well due to the TENS, we'd have had rather more realistic expectations. Well, I would have - dunno about my drugged-up love.
Anyway, things are on hold now for the night - more to come in the morning.
Tuesday - 10:28pm
I feel so much better now. My TENS machine kept shorting out and shocking me which made it incredibly unpleasant to use so they checked me for dialation and gave me things for sleep.
I have not dialated. :( I am effacing!
In the morning if I have not done anything spectacular I get pitocin. Hoorays.
They wanted to give me pain relief and sleeping tablets and against my normal "oh no, no pain relief if I'm not in heaps of pain" ideas, I decided to just trust my doctor's judgment. After all, this is the first baby I've had and probably the something thousandth one she's delivered. She's seasoned. ...like a spicy little ninja.
...oooh...now I want Taco Bell again.
So she recommended....morphine. I got it in a painful injection that felt a little like Chuck Norris being injected into my arm and kicking my ass from the inside. ...but now everything is fantastic and floaty and blurry. ...and it's not even fully kicked in yet. Simon said that I had to post because I am apparently being ridiculous even though I do not think that I am being ridiculous.
Maybe I'm just wounding his tender boy sensibilities. And now I shall put on that episode of True Blood adn doze off a few minutes in. Simon will take over from here.
I have not dialated. :( I am effacing!
In the morning if I have not done anything spectacular I get pitocin. Hoorays.
They wanted to give me pain relief and sleeping tablets and against my normal "oh no, no pain relief if I'm not in heaps of pain" ideas, I decided to just trust my doctor's judgment. After all, this is the first baby I've had and probably the something thousandth one she's delivered. She's seasoned. ...like a spicy little ninja.
...oooh...now I want Taco Bell again.
So she recommended....morphine. I got it in a painful injection that felt a little like Chuck Norris being injected into my arm and kicking my ass from the inside. ...but now everything is fantastic and floaty and blurry. ...and it's not even fully kicked in yet. Simon said that I had to post because I am apparently being ridiculous even though I do not think that I am being ridiculous.
Maybe I'm just wounding his tender boy sensibilities. And now I shall put on that episode of True Blood adn doze off a few minutes in. Simon will take over from here.
Tuesday - 8:21pm
I'd love to say that the pain is definitely getting worse but all I can say for certain is that on a scale of plotted points...there's a definite upward trend of pain...does that make sense? ...also, I'm getting sick of changing underwear...
Tuesday - 7:41pm
They're back. They didn't actually stop for more than a few minutes and returned rather gloriously. However, NOTHING ELSE IS HAPPENING. I have contractions and boy, they hurt, but that's about it. So far, looking like I'm going to be here for....ever. Awesome.
Tuesday 6:01 pm
Well yey . . .
Sandra snoozed for a while, and then when she woke up . . . no more contractions!
We're waiting a little bit to see if this is just a delay or something, but if not it could be interesting . . .
Sandra snoozed for a while, and then when she woke up . . . no more contractions!
We're waiting a little bit to see if this is just a delay or something, but if not it could be interesting . . .
Monday, August 23, 2010
Tuesday - 4:57pm
Back up in the delivery ward, where the rooms are bigger and the staff are much nicer (so far, at least). Sandra's wound up the TENS machine to 8 (it goes to 18), and it's still making things quite bearable, so it looks like things are working out okay at the moment.
No idea how far things have progressed, since they haven't done any detailed examination since we first got here, but the fact that the contractions are so much closer together makes me optimistic . . .
No idea how far things have progressed, since they haven't done any detailed examination since we first got here, but the fact that the contractions are so much closer together makes me optimistic . . .
Tuesday - 3:45 pm
I was all set to post a rant about people's views on the pain a woman in labour should experience, but I deleted it because Sandra decided to go back to using the TENS machine . . . She's having a hot shower now to see if that helps much, and then we're going to set up the TENS.
We're also being moved up to the delivery ward again, thankfully. Thankfully, because the contractions suddenly started coming much closer together - two minutes, and lasting a minute to a minute thirty. Definitely a good time to go back to doing something about the pain . . .
We're also being moved up to the delivery ward again, thankfully. Thankfully, because the contractions suddenly started coming much closer together - two minutes, and lasting a minute to a minute thirty. Definitely a good time to go back to doing something about the pain . . .
Tuesday 3:14 pm
I know this is bad and all, but I have relatively little sympathy for Sandra's pain when she insists on not using the TENS machine.
Tuesday - 2:58pm
I switched off the TENS because I felt like my contractions weren't being taken seriously by the midwives. Apparently if you can talk during a contraction, it's not a real one. ...so I turned off the TENS and can now not talk during them but can quite happily vomit and sweat. Awesome.
Currently about 3 minutes apart and about a minute long.
Dialation? No one's checked..
Currently about 3 minutes apart and about a minute long.
Dialation? No one's checked..
Tuesday 1:29 pm
So Sandra's leaving the TENS machine of for a little while to time the contractions - she can't time them properly with it on. She just had a contraction, and she was doing the whole breathing thing (in quickly, out slower through pursed lips) and so on, and it was obviously much more painful. It wasn't the cheapest thing we've ever bought, but it was obviously a pretty good investment . . .
Tuesday - 12:59pm
Excellent. Have been told that I am not allowed to use the toilet without a special wheelchair type chair in case my fat ass breaks it. Very insulting - have never broken a toilet beore. Nor a chair (even a flimsy one), nor a bed (of which I also need a very speshul one, apparently). I have somehow managed to use my plain old flimsy toilet and bed at home without snapping anything - and my bed at home is made of pine...not steel.
Tuesday - 12:18pm
...has it really been nearly 6 hours already? Really?!
Part of me feels like this means that things are going to go very slowly, but I know that labour can change gears pretty quickly. Still struggling for that nap that I'm pretty sure I'm never going to manage. People won't leave me alone long enough to let me sleep - but at least the oxycodone seems to be wearing off so I'm coming out of the fog.
Oh! Oh! Ready for the funny part? They moved me here because on the scales at the other hospital, my BMI was too high for that hospital. When they weighed me here, I weighed 4kg (nearly 10lbs) less than before. I'm sure that some of it is fluid but I'm sure that a large portion is just different scales.
Going to try and nap again. Will probably fail again.
Part of me feels like this means that things are going to go very slowly, but I know that labour can change gears pretty quickly. Still struggling for that nap that I'm pretty sure I'm never going to manage. People won't leave me alone long enough to let me sleep - but at least the oxycodone seems to be wearing off so I'm coming out of the fog.
Oh! Oh! Ready for the funny part? They moved me here because on the scales at the other hospital, my BMI was too high for that hospital. When they weighed me here, I weighed 4kg (nearly 10lbs) less than before. I'm sure that some of it is fluid but I'm sure that a large portion is just different scales.
Going to try and nap again. Will probably fail again.
Tuesday, 11:26 am
So Sandra's snoozing for a bit - yeah, she should be walking around and so forth, but she's pretty damn exhausted and I figure a bit of sleep now while she /can/ is probably reasonable. Being too tired to do anything later on seems like a bad idea, anyway.
So far it's been an interesting 24 hours, what with the whole stressed Sandra thing last night, and then waters breaking at 6:30 in the morning and everything following that. For my part it's been a lot less stressed than it's been for Sandra - in fact, I've been almost relaxed about everything, rather than freaking out like the stereotypical dad-to-be. I imagine once Sandra's screaming in pain and so on I'll be a lot less relaxed, but I'm enjoying it while I can.
The most annoying thing so far this morning is the parking, or lack thereof - the hospital is getting a fair bit of building work done, and there's almost literally no parking. The closest I could find to reasonable parking was probably a ten minute walk away, well outside the hospital grounds. I've had to park in one of the short term bays for the moment so I could bring the last of Sandra's stuff up, and I'll have to go make the long trek from wherever I can find a spot in a bit . . .
Not what I thought the big day would be like.
So far it's been an interesting 24 hours, what with the whole stressed Sandra thing last night, and then waters breaking at 6:30 in the morning and everything following that. For my part it's been a lot less stressed than it's been for Sandra - in fact, I've been almost relaxed about everything, rather than freaking out like the stereotypical dad-to-be. I imagine once Sandra's screaming in pain and so on I'll be a lot less relaxed, but I'm enjoying it while I can.
The most annoying thing so far this morning is the parking, or lack thereof - the hospital is getting a fair bit of building work done, and there's almost literally no parking. The closest I could find to reasonable parking was probably a ten minute walk away, well outside the hospital grounds. I've had to park in one of the short term bays for the moment so I could bring the last of Sandra's stuff up, and I'll have to go make the long trek from wherever I can find a spot in a bit . . .
Not what I thought the big day would be like.
Tuesday - 10:23am
Fear not, I'm still here. I got turfed to another hospital's delivery suite and then turfed to their antenatal ward because I apparently don't count as being "in labour" at the moment.
I am apparently mistaken in thinking that water breaking + contractions = labour.
Apparently labour starts when you're in so much pain that you're vomiting. Kay... Anyway, contractions are bearable with the TENS. I'm contemplating a shower or a nap or both... People are trying to encourage me to walk around, 'Walk around! Get the baby engaged!' but walking around is about THE MOST UNCOMFORTABLE thing in the world right now. Even if it didn't hurt my pelvis because of my SPD, it makes more amniotic fluid leak which feels gross and makes my lower back hurt. I WILL walk around...but right now I just want to nap and get some sleep while I can.
Update - 10:32am
To Hell with it, I'm taking a nap, they can get stuffed. Simon will take over blogging while I sleep....
I am apparently mistaken in thinking that water breaking + contractions = labour.
Apparently labour starts when you're in so much pain that you're vomiting. Kay... Anyway, contractions are bearable with the TENS. I'm contemplating a shower or a nap or both... People are trying to encourage me to walk around, 'Walk around! Get the baby engaged!' but walking around is about THE MOST UNCOMFORTABLE thing in the world right now. Even if it didn't hurt my pelvis because of my SPD, it makes more amniotic fluid leak which feels gross and makes my lower back hurt. I WILL walk around...but right now I just want to nap and get some sleep while I can.
Update - 10:32am
To Hell with it, I'm taking a nap, they can get stuffed. Simon will take over blogging while I sleep....
Tuesday - 7:39am
Wow time is passing fast...
Contractions 5 minutes apart, 1 minute long.
So...I'm too fat to deliver at this hospital...that's right. Too fat. My BMI is high because of the water I'm retaining because of the high BP. Isn't that swell? Oh well. ...I honestly don't give two craps...I'm too tired and shaky to care and it does mean that Ayesha will be able to use my birth in her studies which is awesome.
It also means that if I have a caesarean, he can stay with me in recovery which is great.
Simon's not here yet but he must VERY nearly be. When he gets here we'll be leaving so all will be quiet for a while.
Contractions 5 minutes apart, 1 minute long.
So...I'm too fat to deliver at this hospital...that's right. Too fat. My BMI is high because of the water I'm retaining because of the high BP. Isn't that swell? Oh well. ...I honestly don't give two craps...I'm too tired and shaky to care and it does mean that Ayesha will be able to use my birth in her studies which is awesome.
It also means that if I have a caesarean, he can stay with me in recovery which is great.
Simon's not here yet but he must VERY nearly be. When he gets here we'll be leaving so all will be quiet for a while.
OOOOoooooerrrr... Tuesday - 6:50am
Um...either I just had the most glorious involuntary pee or um....
My water just broke.
OH GOD SO THIS IS WHAT CONTRACTIONS FEEL LIKE....
Seriously though. GROSSEST feeling ever....I am SATURATED and it just keeps coming and coming and coming and coming in WAVES and I feel like someone kicked me in the lower back. Excellent. Now it really IS go time...
Called Bonnie (who woke Simon's sleeping ass up) (sorry Bonnie) and Simon is on his way over, as is the glorious Ayeshamidwife.
And there's another gush. Mmmm. I feel so pretty....
7:00am - Oh god, it just keeps coming... ...seriously...why did they bother having me put on more underwear and why does this stuff smell so bad? ...and why am I in a dress? (bitches, this is what happens when you drug the pregnant lady) ...and oh god, why does my back hurt so bad now?
...also, I'm hungry and shaking.
My water just broke.
OH GOD SO THIS IS WHAT CONTRACTIONS FEEL LIKE....
Seriously though. GROSSEST feeling ever....I am SATURATED and it just keeps coming and coming and coming and coming in WAVES and I feel like someone kicked me in the lower back. Excellent. Now it really IS go time...
Called Bonnie (who woke Simon's sleeping ass up) (sorry Bonnie) and Simon is on his way over, as is the glorious Ayeshamidwife.
And there's another gush. Mmmm. I feel so pretty....
7:00am - Oh god, it just keeps coming... ...seriously...why did they bother having me put on more underwear and why does this stuff smell so bad? ...and why am I in a dress? (bitches, this is what happens when you drug the pregnant lady) ...and oh god, why does my back hurt so bad now?
...also, I'm hungry and shaking.
Tuesday - 1:05am
Dear midwives,
I know I'm pissing you off with my whinging when I tell you I have a headache and you give me oxycodone for it (using a name I didn't recognize) so it will also lightly sedate me. ...on the plus side, my headache is gone...however, this was an eeeeeeeeensy bit of overkill.
All dizzy now and slurring her words,
- Sandra
I know I'm pissing you off with my whinging when I tell you I have a headache and you give me oxycodone for it (using a name I didn't recognize) so it will also lightly sedate me. ...on the plus side, my headache is gone...however, this was an eeeeeeeeensy bit of overkill.
All dizzy now and slurring her words,
- Sandra
Tuesday - 12:36am
(Simon is staying with friends but wanted to post an update so he's texting this to me and I'm posting it for him.)
Feeling like crap due to a nasty cold, and desperately hoping that the baby doesn't decide to come while I'm sick.
...Well, shit - now there's all this talk about induction and shit tomorrow. Lovely - new baby /and/ a cold, jist what the doctor ordered.
And on top of that a wife who's going nuts after being told she's got to stay on hospital at least one night without me . . .
Oh what a lovely start to all this...
(Stressed husband is stressed.)
Feeling like crap due to a nasty cold, and desperately hoping that the baby doesn't decide to come while I'm sick.
...Well, shit - now there's all this talk about induction and shit tomorrow. Lovely - new baby /and/ a cold, jist what the doctor ordered.
And on top of that a wife who's going nuts after being told she's got to stay on hospital at least one night without me . . .
Oh what a lovely start to all this...
(Stressed husband is stressed.)
Tuesday - 12:21am
Having a pretty awful day so far. While I knew that it was policy that husbands aren't allowed to stay here with their wives (the policy stands for the ENTIRE STAY but is usually dropped after the woman's given birth), I thought perhaps that a concession might be made when my mental state was taken into consideration.
On top of everything else, I forgot to take my second antidepressant until it was FAR too late and it hadn't kicked in yet when everything happened.
For those who aren't aware, I'm introverted. Sure, I'm social and I can be all wacky and inappropriate and ha, ha, ha...but I need my space. In fact, I need a private little cave in which I can hide from everyone/thing except my husband. My husband is the only person who is always welcome in my space. If I cannot be in my space or my space is somehow invaded, I lose it. I become EXTREMELY stressed and depressed very, very quickly. If I cannot be in my space and Simon is with me...I'll be okay. He can keep me grounded. If I cannot be in my space and am also kept separate from him, I will be a wreck. A sobbing for days wreck. The antidepressants help calm that slightly. ...they'll keep me from actively freaking out much of the time - but it still leaves me incredibly tense.
So I spent about...4 or 5 hours today crying my eyes out because they not only told me that my husband would not be allowed to stay with me, they went so far as to actively mock me for wanting him to stay with me and then to tell HIM that my "stress doesn't matter, it's policy".
It just seems, I don't know...counterproductive to admit a woman for high blood pressure so she can rest and keep it lower...and then make her approximately 3,000 times more stressed than she was before.
Meanwhile, Simon is staying with Antti and Bonnie who are nice enough to put up with our crap - especially considering that Simon is ill and Bonnie is pregnant too (24 weeks, WOOHOO!).
So I am going to start up Half Life 2 and blow up some aliens to get out my aggression on the midwives...also, I'm going to eat all of their sandwichess. Delicious revenge.
On top of everything else, I forgot to take my second antidepressant until it was FAR too late and it hadn't kicked in yet when everything happened.
For those who aren't aware, I'm introverted. Sure, I'm social and I can be all wacky and inappropriate and ha, ha, ha...but I need my space. In fact, I need a private little cave in which I can hide from everyone/thing except my husband. My husband is the only person who is always welcome in my space. If I cannot be in my space or my space is somehow invaded, I lose it. I become EXTREMELY stressed and depressed very, very quickly. If I cannot be in my space and Simon is with me...I'll be okay. He can keep me grounded. If I cannot be in my space and am also kept separate from him, I will be a wreck. A sobbing for days wreck. The antidepressants help calm that slightly. ...they'll keep me from actively freaking out much of the time - but it still leaves me incredibly tense.
So I spent about...4 or 5 hours today crying my eyes out because they not only told me that my husband would not be allowed to stay with me, they went so far as to actively mock me for wanting him to stay with me and then to tell HIM that my "stress doesn't matter, it's policy".
It just seems, I don't know...counterproductive to admit a woman for high blood pressure so she can rest and keep it lower...and then make her approximately 3,000 times more stressed than she was before.
Meanwhile, Simon is staying with Antti and Bonnie who are nice enough to put up with our crap - especially considering that Simon is ill and Bonnie is pregnant too (24 weeks, WOOHOO!).
So I am going to start up Half Life 2 and blow up some aliens to get out my aggression on the midwives...also, I'm going to eat all of their sandwichess. Delicious revenge.
Monday - 6:24pm
Looks like I'm not leaving the hospital without a baby - though I'm not being induced right now. Apparently, the plan was to induce me on Friday anyway if I hadn't gone on my own so for the moment, the question is if we're going to just keep me here until Friday and follow through with that plan or if we'll move things up a little since I'm in hospital now. Until something is decided... My blood pressure gets checked every 4 hours.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Monday - 1:25pm
Looks like it might happen today. I went in for my blood pressure check and my BP was 142/100 (normal for me is 105/65). A little amusing, actually, because I'm feeling extremely zen today. I'm headachey and exhausted but this afternoon I am a very placid Sandra.
They're asking my doctor what she wants to do with me but it's suspected that she'll want to induce me soonish (today at some point). Fine by me. Simon and I are just having a bite of lunch and enjoying our last afternoon of absolute freedom, silence and lack of parental responsibility. More updates to come!
They're asking my doctor what she wants to do with me but it's suspected that she'll want to induce me soonish (today at some point). Fine by me. Simon and I are just having a bite of lunch and enjoying our last afternoon of absolute freedom, silence and lack of parental responsibility. More updates to come!
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Still pregnant - but the end is in sight!
Okay so...so far I'm still pregnant but it looks like I might get to be induced in the next few days assuming my body is prepared for the experience. They'll check me to make sure that I'm dialated or something and if my body is getting ready in that way, I might be able to get an induction. The reason I'm pushing so hard for it is that I have fairly severe Pelvic Girdle Pain which is making it extremely hard for me to move around, especially in these last few weeks. As it can be debilitating even after you give birth, I'm trying to spare my body as much rehabilitation time as possible, particularly considering that I'll be roughly 39 weeks pregnant by the time I'm induced - so it's not as if he'll be early.
Even if my body's not preparing though, the midwife at my doctor's office suggested that my doctor wouldn't let me go past my due date (in 9 days) which is a big relief. At least there's a set time when this will all be over and I can move on... I'm starting to feel like I have an imaginary friend who no one but me can see... well...you know, feel.
Even if my body's not preparing though, the midwife at my doctor's office suggested that my doctor wouldn't let me go past my due date (in 9 days) which is a big relief. At least there's a set time when this will all be over and I can move on... I'm starting to feel like I have an imaginary friend who no one but me can see... well...you know, feel.
Monday, August 2, 2010
Labour Blog Creation
Hey everyone. If you're viewing this, you were probably told that I'm in labour (or think I am). Simon and I are intending to do live blogging during the labour so we can keep all of you who can't be here informed while our son is born! When I go into labour the updates will begin and a link will be posted on various websites (Livejournal, Facebook, Myspace, Blogger, Babyfit and so on) as well as emailed to relevant people who use none of these.
Posts by me will be in red.
Posts by Simon will be in blue.
Posts by me will be in red.
Posts by Simon will be in blue.
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